oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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