if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
