Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
