I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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