Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
