It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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