So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Randomize
