i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
