maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
