If that was your dad, he is hot
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I can feel your judgement through the phone
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Randomize
