You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
