No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
