just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
