Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
