this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
