Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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