Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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