I cannot find my penis.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
