I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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