My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
grandma shit on top of the toilet
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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