after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
