Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
