Pappa wants mamma naked
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
it's not cheating when I paid for it
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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