The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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