please come you make the beer taste better
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
