well I can't set my house on fire every night
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
