I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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