wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
