I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
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