I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
