I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
