The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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