I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
