Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
