Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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