so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
