can we get nightvision for the apartment?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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