He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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