yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
