is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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