I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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