When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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