You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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