What did we do last night that was yellow?
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
