It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
