with your own penis?
You can't special order awesome
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
