i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
