last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
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