And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
sex in a hospital.. check
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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