I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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