If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
