ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
