If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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